A young mom’s newborn baby dies unexpectedly

What to do for… a young mom whose newborn baby dies unexpectedly.

In interview with someone who’s been through it:

Brief synopsis of the difficult life event that you experienced:
My first child died when he was just a few days old after a perfect pregnancy and delivery.

Your Story/The Circumstances:
It was only after his death that it was discovered he had a heart malformation.  It was so completely unexpected.

Age at the time: I was 19 at the of Jason’s death.

What were some things that others did for you that helped the MOST:
There were a few people that shared their own stories with me. I got a beautiful poem from one individual that I have since passed on to others as well as a small book on Angels.  Phone calls over time just saying “I’m thinking of you” were very important and meant so much to me.

What were the WORST things that others DID or SAID:
I heard a lot of  “you’re young you can have another baby” or “maybe it was for the best if he was sick” —- people’s intentions were good, but those were the worst things they could have said.

What do you WISH someone would have done for you:

What I wanted more then anything was to be able to talk about him, but that made others quite uncomfortable. I needed reassurance that it wasn’t my fault. If others would have been willing to listen to my musings that would have been SO helpful.

Do you have any gift ideas or care package items that would have been helpful/useful during this time?
A journal would have been great so I could write down my feelings.  I have always wanted to put together a shadow box with his things in it – his hat from the hospital, his wrist band, his name card, his picture, etc. Anything that would have encouraged me to get out of the house would have been wonderful… an invitation to come over for dinner,  tickets to the theater or community event. . .  anything that lets the person know that they are being thought of and that their child is not forgotten by everyone else!

Any other suggestions for readers:
The most important thing I think I can say is it is someone’s presence that makes the difference, not saying the ‘right’ thing.  Just saying “I’m here and if you want to talk, I want to listen and  if you don’t want to talk, then I’m here just to sit and watch a movie with you or help you around the house or to ‘just be’.”  That is huge!
Another important thing, in my opinion, is to remember anniversary dates.  Every August I grieve his birthday and the date of his death alone because no one else remembers it – not even my mom.  Just a note or a call saying ‘thinking of you today.’  I know that can be hard to do though.  Just as with any death, everyone is there the first few days – it is the weeks  that follow that are so lonely.  If a child is older, don’t be afraid to share funny little moments you remember about the child – those are the memories that people hang on to forever!  Yes, it can be bittersweet, but it is also healing.

Can you give us some emotional insight to what someone in this situation is feeling/going through:
I blamed myself a lot and spent months going over what I did or didn’t do. Along with that pain was the anger at myself – again feeling I must have done something wrong because I had a perfect pregnancy and delivery.  It wasn’t until years later that I found out that the strep throat I had prior to knowing I was pregnant most likely caused the heart malformation Jason was born with.  I felt very isolated because people didn’t know what to say so they avoided conversations with me.

A big THANK YOU to Lisa Brock for sharing this most difficult time with us.

For additional ideas: Out of the Blue Delivered offers sympathy care packages that can be customized for every situation, with delivery available in the Orlando, FL area and worldwide shipping. “When life sucks, Think BLUE!”