What to do when someone has a second trimester stillborn baby

What to do for a 30 something mom who delivers a stillborn baby in her second trimester

An interview with someone who’s been through it…

Please give a brief synopsis of the difficult life event that you experienced:

My husband and I have lost four of our children in utero – one was a second trimester stillborn.

Your Story/The Circumstances:

My husband and I had endured three early first trimester losses and had had two healthy sons when we found I was pregnant in the fall of 2002. Due to our earlier loss experiences, I was put on progesterone to reduce the possibility of a miscarriage. The first trimester proceeded slowly, but without complications. At 12 weeks, I was taken off of the progesterone.

I went in for my regular 16 week check up and all measurements looked to be normal. My midwife then began to listen for the heartbeat, but had difficulty getting a good read on it. She kept assuring us that she could hear it, but wanted us to be able to hear it clearly. After a few minutes, she gave up, assuring us it was there, but set up an ultrasound for a few days later, just to check and  be sure that the baby was developing properly. Given our history, I was naturally quite worried, but she repeatedly told me she wasn’t concerned, that she had heard the heartbeat several different times. I spent that evening and the next day trying very hard not to worry.

I spent the next day baking holiday cookies and doing art projects with my sons, and by the end of the day, my back was aching. Figuring I had been on my feet too much that day, I resolved to go to bed early. At 8:30pm, I started feeling awful, cold and dizzy, so I went to lie down. Even covered in blankets, I was shivering, and thought I must be really sick. Even the abdominal discomforts I was feeling didn’t lead me to think I was in labor–but a sudden gush of fluid had me quickly up and to the bathroom. By the time I reached the bathroom, I was cramping and bleeding heavily. My husband grabbed the phone, called my midwife and locked himself in the bathroom with me. By 9pm, it was all over. Our baby was gone.

The most likely explanation for the death of our otherwise seemingly healthy son was a food borne illness, endured by two friends and I three weeks earlier after meeting at a coffee shop. The unfairness of such an outcome only magnified my grief–a cup of tea and a scone should not have such dire, life altering consequences.

Age at the time: 33 years old

What were some things that others did for you that helped the MOST:

Our friends brought us dinners so we would not have to cook in those first few days. One of our friends also watched our older sons so we would not have to take them with us to the doctor/ultrasound the day after Nicholas died. They came and helped us set up/clean up for our annual Christmas party.  But mostly, they were just *there*, giving us hugs, letting us talk, praying for us.

What were the WORST things that others DID or SAID:

“It was God’s will.” This statement makes it sound as if God had deliberately taken away my child, which does not mesh with my image of a loving God.

“Are you going to try again?” I came to hate this question. To me, it sounded as if I just needed to try harder for my child to live. I began to say “have another child” instead of try again, for I had this child, however briefly.

Silence. Even more painful than the hurtful thing people say is the things they *don’t* say. Most people would say either, “I didn’t know what to say to you” or “I didn’t want to make you feel bad” when questioned why they did not say anything. All we need to hear is “I’m so sorry.” There is nothing someone can say that will make it all okay again, but silence makes parents feel like they are alone and no one cares.

What do you WISH someone would have done for you:

I wish more of our friends had expressed their sorrow to us directly, instead of staying quiet. Although we had incredible support from friends through emails, cards and phone calls, there were definitely gaps in the network where close friends remained silent.

Do you have any gift ideas or care package items that would have been helpful/useful during this time?

It is helpful to have people offer dinner, especially if you have other children in the house. Also offering to care for older children so the mother can rest or the parents can go out to dinner and focus on themselves for a bit is very helpful.

Can you give us some emotional insight to what someone in this situation is feeling/going through:

A woman experiencing the loss of a baby is not experiencing a pregnancy loss but the death of her child. It does not matter how far along in the pregnancy the loss occurs. People need to respond to the news like that of any other family death. There is nothing that can be said that will take the sadness away, but expressions of sorrow (“I’m so sorry.”) can take away, even for just a moment or two, the feeling of being alone.

There is also no time table by which someone should be finished grieving. People need to realize that grief takes time and each person will navigate that journey at their own speed, their own time. Comments like, “Are you still dealing with that?” or “You need to let it go” only make the mother feel as if her grief is inappropriate.

BluFairy would like to thank Kathleen Olowin for giving us insight into this painful experience. Kathleen is the author of Angels in My Heart: A Journey of Love and Loss and you can connect with her at AngelsInMyHeart.org or on Facebook