What to do for a woman whose husband is killed

What to do for a woman whose husband is killed unexpectedly:

An interview with someone who lived through it…

Please give a brief synopsis of the difficult life event that you experienced:

One morning I got a call… my husband had been killed walking across the street, by an uninsured motorist.  I was instantly alone, saddled with debt, bombarded with questions, required to make decisions, and completely clueless about most of what it takes to manage personal and family affairs. Eighteen days later my family lost our home to a devastating fire destroying the last remnant of our sacred sanctuary.

Your Story/The Circumstances:

On the morning of January 31, 1995 I arrived at work to a phone call from St. Vincent’s Hospital.  My husband had been walking across the street on his way to his job and was struck by an uninsured motorist who was late for work. The grief was overwhelming and swift. Just as my son, daughter and I were getting our lives back to a sense of normalcy; we arrived home on the night of February 18, 1995 to find our home completely destroyed by a fire. We truly had nothing except the clothes on our back and each other.

Age at the time: 47

What were some things that others did for you that helped the MOST:

My family and friends were so supportive. They rallied around me and made sure that I had assistance. Their kindness made the journey much easier. Additionally, the company that I worked for opened up their hearts with time and money to get me back on my feet. Those gestures made a big difference in my life.

What were the WORST things that others DID or SAID:

The story made news and many curious people would ask probing and insensitive questions about the death and fire; often not thinking of our feelings.
They said things like: ”It is a good thing that he died instantly, otherwise he might have been a vegetable.”
“Since he had some health problems, this might be a blessing in disguise.”
“You’re young enough to get married again shortly.” (spoken three days after the funeral).
“What actually happened; did he walk in front of the car?”
“I bet you’re set for life!” (the man who hit him had no insurance).
“How much money did you get for the death?”

To make matters worse, I had a questionable contractor who tried to coerce me into rebuilding the house when I had already decided to move someplace else. When he found out that I was not going to rebuild on the lot he tried to low-ball the estimate to the insurance company. It was a lesson well-learned when I challenged him and won.

What do you WISH someone would have done for you:

I wish that there had been an easy thing to read or someone to talk to. My friends were amazing but often I could have used an impartial ear.

There are many things that a person experiencing grief can use… A cup of coffee the morning, help with children, an invitation to dinner in the evening, maid service. Sometimes just having someone that you can vent the frustration, hurt and dismay helps. I had two or three friends with whom I could just cry and scream.  I also had an older work acquaintance who was there to help me sort out life and questions about my future.

Do you have any gift ideas or care package items that would have been helpful/useful during this time?

I enjoyed receiving cards with special notes about my husband, flowers, flavored coffee, a hot fudge sundae, shopping trips. Some of my friends game me journals and while I didn’t use them immediately, I did down the road. I also enjoyed day trips to local towns for lunch and afternoon fun. It all helps to make you feel that the death, while tragic, is not what defines you.

When I was going through the process I wished that there was something succinct that I could have read to help me navigate the grief. (Because of this, I later wrote The ABC’s of Widowhood which not only allowed me to help others going through a similar situation, but was also a cathartic way to close the grief process.)

The main thing for friends to remember is often the notion of a “surprise attack” is better than asking. Often a new widow will repeatedly say she does not need anything but she is afraid to impose. Show up in the morning for coffee or on a Saturday for an impromptu shopping trip. Call and say you are taking the children for the weekend; it all helps!

Can you give us some emotional insight to what someone in this situation is feeling/going through:

Upon learning about the death I felt disbelief…how could this happen to us. I woke up the morning after the death and thought “What are we going to do now”? The severity of the situation made me afraid for the future of my family and unsure of where to turn next. The anger stage passed quickly because after the fire we were so engrossed in trying to get our physical lives back together that we had little time to be angry about our situation.  This helped with the final acceptance of our dilemma.

But one thing that happened to me that many people should be cautioned about is delayed stress syndrome. It hit me six months later and it can be physically devastating.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

What I discovered through the process of grief is that there are three things necessary for survival. They are: discovering the attitude, balance and courage you will need on your quest for living life successfully after the death of a spouse no matter what the age.

A big BluFairy THANK YOU to Pat Nowak for sharing her true life experiences and insight with us. Her book The ABC’s of Widowhood is a perfect gift that will truly help someone after the loss of a spouse.