What to do for a Young Woman Whose Mom Commits Suicide

An interview with someone who’s lived through it…

Please give a brief synopsis of the difficult life event that you experienced:

Many tough situations happened for me in my twenties, and they taught me a great deal. The biggest one was when my mother, who suffered from mental illness, took her life when I was 23.

Your Story/The Circumstances:

At the time, I was “broke,” 8 months pregnant, single…and a college drop out, too! I felt completely vulnerable and scared about being pregnant, a soon-to-be single mother, and very betrayed by the father of my child. He decided that I needed to be “both mother and father” to OUR child. I’d left all my security behind and didn’t know what to do, except try to relax (for my baby’s sake as well as my own) and pray for guidance and strength.

My mother was very unstable and, for the most part, unable to help me or truly know what I was going through. I got a call from my sister one day, telling me that she’d had taken an overdose of medications, gone into the garage, turned on the car and lay down under the tailpipe. This was not a  “call for help.” She’d never attempted suicide before that I know of. She died even though my father found her and tried to resuscitate her. It was excruciating for everyone in the family. We were all absolutely heartbroken by her death.

Age at the time: 23

What were some things that others did for you that helped the MOST:

One person said he thought my mother was brave because she was willing to go to the other side for help, when living here became too much for her. That comforted me a little bit.

Most people didn’t know what to do. My sisters helped just by being in the family with me, crying with me, and my father helped me because he was so open and raw that I could finally deeply connect with him. That didn’t last long, but it was very sweet while it lasted.

What were the WORST things that others DID or SAID:

The worst thing for me was dealing with people’s judgments and fear about suicide itself. Sometimes they said things out loud; other times I could just feel their attitudes. The whole concept that my Mom was a sinner, going to purgatory, or simply incredibly weak really made my grief and confusion all the worse. I wondered about it myself, and it took some time to get over that.

What do you WISH someone would have done for you:

I wish someone close to me would have just been willing to hold me while I cried and cried, not saying a thing, handing me tissues and just giving me simple, unconditional love. Safe physical touch would have really helped me, as well as a listening ear. Grief takes a long time to get through for most of us, and there isn’t much another person can do but listen and hold loving attention for us as we go through it. Grief has so many layers and things to teach us, too.

Do you have any gift ideas or care package items that would have been helpful/useful during this time?

A massage or hot tub, child care for those with children, time for a long walk in the woods or by the ocean if possible, time for exercise.

Can you give us some emotional insight to what someone in this situation is feeling/going through:

Suicide is very confusing for the loved ones in the family. Often, we can’t understand the despair that drove the person to kill himself. We also feel betrayed, angry, angry at God, lonely and emotionally shattered for a while. This is a natural response to such a shocking act. It can be very difficult to grasp the finality of our loved one’s death, and we sometimes feel guilty for not being able to “save” our loved one. I felt incredibly sad that although I was mentally healthy, I couldn’t save my mother from her illness or her choices. It’s a really helpless feeling.

We need to be very patient and compassionate with ourselves, others in the family and the entire process.

Amazingly, great things can come out of the worst things, even the suicide of someone you love. For instance, my experience – awful though it was — brought me to much deeper spirituality, forgiveness, and intuitive wisdom. I truly believe these things saved my sanity and definitely brought tremendous peace.

Can you share a little bit about what it is like to live with this?

Even though going through my mother’s suicide (and a lifetime with her mental illness as well) was not “chronic,” it’s something that took years to explore. For a long time, I felt like I had a deep inner gash that was slowly growing new skin. There was so much to learn about myself – about how I was dealing with her death, missing her, being a new mother myself without her, all the layers and levels this affected in my life, and how I could finally heal.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

You CAN heal from the devastating pain of the suicide of someone you love. It was NOT your fault, and you can learn and grow from the experience. If you are spiritually inclined, you can grow closer to God through this and receive help in the process, too. Let me know if I can help you. You don’t have to do this alone.

If you want to know more, contact me. (See contact info below). Also read Why You Still Need To Forgive Your Parents, by Colin Tipping, Ana Holub et al. In it, I write about my experience with my mother’s suicide in detail. It’s a very uplifting book that will give you hope for your future.

A special thank you to Ana Holub for sharing her story with BluFairy in hopes that it will help others support someone who has just suffered the loss of someone they love via suicide.

Connect with Ana via her website, blog, Facebook, info@anaholub.com